People went to midnight mass not to hear mass, but to let their seatmates
hear their snores.
I would say all I want for Christmas is YOU, But I really would love
a new credit card as well!
Since I brought the presents, I’ve asked Santa to bring you love and
Hold peace, love and hope in your heart always And Christmas will
bring you what you wish for.
I know your family is dysfunctional. Still, Merry Christmas and Happy
If you look for me at Christmas, Don’t forget to check the local bar!
All I want for Christmas is for you to have a Merry Christmas!
The elves are working overtime to prepare presents for you. You’ve been
extra nice this year.
Christmas only comes once a year, and that’s what we are all most thankful
for at Thanksgiving. Merry Christmas!
I don’t understand why people like to say “Mary Christmas.” Isn’t it
Jesus’ birthday? We should say, “Jesus Christmas.”
Are Christmas trees green? I mean, are they environmentally friendly like
The main thing Jesus and Santa have in common is that they both look good
in a beard.
The best thing we all teach our kids about Christmas is honesty. “Sure…
there’s a real Santa Clause.”
They keep raising the age requirement to qualify for social security so
Santa won’t retire.
Everyone knows the most important part of the Christmas celebration is
spending time with family you don’t get to see very often. Then you have
an excuse to neglect them the rest of the year.
The day you learn that Santa isn’t real is the day you question if that
Jesus guy is real.
Let’s compare Jesus and Santa. They both know when you’re bad or good.
They both give you stuff. They are both nice. They can both do miracles.
They are both real… o.k. at least one is real.
I found your Christmas card message on the internet because I am not
creative enough and I don’t care about you enough to actually write your
Christmas card message.
Christmas Funny Quotes for Cards
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. ~ Victor Borge
There has been only one Christmas, the rest are anniversaries. ~ W. J.
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. ~
Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home. ~ Carol
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up, they have no holidays.
~ Henry Youngman
Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of
love! ~ Hamilton Wright Mabie
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire
world, and people keep sending it to each other. ~ Johnny Carson
He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a
tree. ~ Sunshine Magazine
Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of
children, they are all 30 feet tall. ~ Larry Wilde
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a
department store, and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple
Christmas Funny Wishes 2023
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other
than me. ~ Jerry Seinfeld
People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you
sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out
of your socks? ~ Anonymous
Anyone, who believes that men are the equal of women, has never seen a man
trying to wrap a Christmas present. ~ Anonymous
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it
saying, toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning
Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for
it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their
kids pay for it. ~ Richard Lamm
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long
hair, Must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking? ~ Arlo
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his
present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is
looking for a job the next day. ~ Phyllis Diller
Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a
beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over
the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering
illegal drug money? ~ Tom Armstrong
Christmas is the Disneyfication of Christianity ~ Don Cupitt
Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind. ~ Mary Ellen
You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger. ~ Robert
Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it weren’t for Christmas, We’d
all be Jewish. ~ Benny Hill
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your
feet. ~ Anonymous
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. ~
Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s
money. ~ Anonymous
Christmas is for children. But it is for grownups too. Even if it is a
headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting
of chill and hide-bound hearts. ~ Lenora Weber
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not
believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. ~ Bob Phillips
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for
Christmas. ~ Johnny Carson
I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar
of it every month. ~ Harlan Miller
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a
thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. ~ Garrison Keillor
Merry Christmas Funny SMS, Jokes
The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas
morning is their husband. ~ Joan Rivers
Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster
than the Christmas spirit. ~ Kin Hubbard
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and
the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. ~ Anonymous
From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be
necessary to invent it. ~ Katharine Whitehorn
Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I
noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music. ~ Tom
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in
Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find
three wise men and a virgin. ~ Jay Leno
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant
than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is
seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. ~ W. C. Fields
Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas
turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird…
a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with
almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it.
Please give our respects to its family… ~ Berke Breathed